Comments (0)

By Keith, February 27, 2010 3:33 pm

The IOC will probably send a take-down letter for this post, because I used the word “Olympic” in the title.  F-em!  I’m watching their stupid Olympics, and gosh darn it, I’m going to blog about it too!

Other than Olympic hockey and short track speed skating, the winter games are quite boring.  We need to zazz them up a bit.  Take ski jumping for example.  What is there to see besides the guy’s hand twitching a little?  They should make it more like the Red Bull Flugtag!  Dress the jumpers up in some sort of costume.  I’d definitely watch a pterodactyl swooping down the slope, gracefully soaring into the air, then splashing into a lake of slush!

We need to fix biathlon too.  Anyone can ski, then shoot stationary targets, then ski some more.  We need to make it more of an outdoorsy woodsy survivalisty sport.  I propose we change it to marathon biathlon deer harvesting.  Basically, athletes would ski out into a designated wildlife preserve where they would have to track, shoot, field dress, and haul out a white tail deer.  Just to keep things interesting, several hungry grizzly bears (the shooting of which will earn a lifetime ban) should also be living in the area and given the scent of each skier.

Can anyone really say that they enjoy watching moguls skiing?  Sure it’s funny when a skier screws up their silly little helicopter jump and crumples into a heap on the landing, but it’s not polite to laugh at such things.  Let’s take the thrills (and spills) to a new level.  I give you freestyle mogul pole-dancing.  All of the excitement of moguls and jumps, but instead of the goofy little tricks off the jump, the skiers must perform a sexy double spin on a pole in order to stick the landing and finish their run.  National or ethnic stripper attire would be completely optional, but could certainly help the judges with the scoring.

Grecko-Roman (i.e. togas) ice fishing.  Need I say more?  Basically, the athletes must ski onto a frozen lake dressed only in a toga.  First athlete to cross the finish line with 10 regulation size fish wins gold.  How they amass those 10 fish is up to them.  No weapons of any sort may be used.

Snowboard cross needs to be fixed too.  Riders should be allowed to wear a satchel full of (pre-inspected for size and consistency) snowballs.  Halfway down the course, a line across the track would indicate that snowballs may be thrown at competing riders.  The snowballs would contain a colored dye that stains the clothes of a clouted rider.  Points for each clout add time to the run of a rider who’s been hit.  I think you can see how this would vastly improve snowboard cross.

Pairs ice moshing is a little like traditional ice dancing, but instead of sleep-inducing classical music, some sort of metal-core or death metal would be the norm.  Two pairs of skaters would compete at the same time.  Just like traditional ice dancing, pairs would pretend to skate along with the music, but in ice moshing, the goal is to knock down the opposing skater of the same sex.   Skaters may not touch an opponent of the opposite sex.  The skater who initiates contact (i.e. is judged to be more under control) with a skater of the opposite sex will earn a disqualification.  A fall would be defined as any body part other than a hand touching the ice.  If either skater in a pair falls three times, they lose the match.  For pairs ice moshing, I envision a round-robin tournament format with lots of sling-shot maneuvers and violent collisions.  On the podium, teams receive metals instead of medals, because it sounds very slightly more cooler.

You may now continue ignoring the Winter Olympics.

Comments (0)

By Keith, February 25, 2010 8:32 pm

Since my last post, I’ve been winding down my Facebook account.  First, I removed all of my personal information from my profile. Next, I deleted all but 2 photos.  I think they accurately summarize how I feel about Facebook.  They are my angry Mii and a picture of autumn leaves.  Finally, I deleted all access to my profile by applications and limited access to the very little that’s left to only myself.

What I may do is leave my profile active and just never post anything again.  If I do that, I’ll probably look for a way to disable Facebook messages, because I really don’t like receiving emails telling me I have a message, showing me what the message says, but not letting me reply directly via email.  An alternative would be that I disable my account and create a new account strictly for announcing blog posts.  That would stop me from spamming people on my friend list who really couldn’t care less.  It really sucks that I hate Facebook so much right now, because there are quite a few friends I enjoy keeping in contact with.  I suspect those connections would fade if I disable my account.  Hmm…

<looks for polling plugin for blog>

 Loading ...

There you go, democracy in action.  If you don’t like any of the choices, feel free to state your idea as a comment.

Comments (2)

By Keith, February 25, 2010 4:35 pm

My current feelings toward Facebook could just be a passing phase, a fleeting seasonal attitude.  I am aware of this much, I’m beginning to loathe Facebook and Facebook culture.  People like to rant about the dumbing down of America, but to what low standards they seem to hold their own internet usage.  Do I sound like a broken record?  Does Gen. Y or Z even know what a record is?

The new interface is not the problem, it’s what some people are doing with their Facebook accounts that annoys me, makes me avoid logging in.  Some people don’t seem to know or care that most of the applications they use on Facebook create spam for everyone on their friend list.  Some people don’t know or care that their applications spam their friends with invitations and clutter their friends’ walls with what most of us perceive as garbage content such as virtual drinks, flowers, or other “gifts.”  How many times have you seen that one of your “friends” has answered a question about you, but to see what they said, you must authorize this shady application to access your profile?  This bad behavior pisses me off.  It should piss you off too, if not at your “friends” than at Facebook for allowing their partners’ applications to act in such a dubious manner.  It seems that most people on Facebook don’t seem to have a clue about what their applications are doing or even what personal information they are allowing to be accessed.  I have scripts and extensions installed in my browser(s) that block the majority of spam Facebook spews onto my news feed.  Should I have to do this to enjoy a social networking site?  I think not.

I realize that people like to share information about their lives.  For the most part, I appreciate this.  What I don’t understand is the incessant posting of the most mundane trivial rubbish.  I get it that you’re tired after work.  Most of us are.  It’s these redundant messages that convey nothing of note that influence me to ignore Facebook altogether.  Most of the time, I too have nothing of interest to post.  That’s when I don’t post.

This brings me to the most irritatingly ridiculous posts on Facebook, those espousing some silly childish magical thinking.  I’m talking about the obligatory “I’ll pray for (insert whatever subject that is expected to make the original poster feel better but not actually do anything here).”  Really?  You’ll pray for someone or something?  These are the most pointless and ignorant posts I see on Facebook, and not just because study after study show that prayer does not work.  In my book, saying you will pray over something means you are unable or unwilling to actually DO anything to comfort another human being.  But I suppose it makes some people feel better to know that others are talking to imaginary friends or hoping out loud for a miracle as though some omnipotent being could be bothered to to stop her ego/belly button-gazing long enough to fix their problem.  It’s rubbish to me, and just makes me fear for the future of mankind.

What’s left for me on Facebook?  Requests and invitations sent via applications I loathe?  Advertisements for things I’d never be interested in?  ”News” that a “friend” has become a fan of something obvious like oxygen or sunlight?  Failed attempts at conformed cleverness where we all change our profile pics to represent our favorite cartoon characters?  People posting Farmville pictures to their photo albums?  Links to blog posts ranting about stuff that no one else cares about?

Nope, I think I’m done.  One more week, and I think I’ll be exiting Facebook indefinitely.

Comments (2)

By Keith, February 21, 2010 9:16 pm

Just in case anyone was wondering what all of the stuff on my desk is, here is a labeled version of the “after” picture:

Everything in its place

Comments (1)

By Keith, February 20, 2010 1:48 am

Should I be blogging tonight, or should I begin reclaiming my desktop?  Blogging is a nearly silent task, but cleaning off my desk will require noisy bulldozers and scoops.  Do I dare risk waking my neighbors?  Do I dare embarrass myself by posting pictures here?  Might that be the motivation I need to get this project going?  I’m torn!  Damn it, I’m ripped to shreds inside!  <exhales>  Picture time.  Shit, can’t find my camera.  One moment, please.

Who hided my desk?!

Go ahead and make fun.  Give me grief and the business.  For having such a messy desk, I deserve it.  I’ll use your as yet imaginary taunts as motivation.  Time has been budgeted, and the Desk Reclamation Project has already begun.  While most of you sleep, I am busy cleaning and organizing.

See that red plastic Folgers Classic Roast container to the left of my notebook?  It’s full of chocolate chip cookies that shall power me toward my goal of desktop cleanliness!  Post-project pictures to follow.

UPDATE: Never fear!  My desk has been cleaned thoroughly without any injuries to either myself or my gear.  I know, “pictures or it didn’t happen!”  You got it!

IZ CLEAN

CAN I HAZ COOKIE NAO?