For the most part, friends are great.  (I am Keith’s limiting statement.)  Yes, friends are wonderful, but they are not all the same.  Does that mean that BFF’s are better than casual Facebook acquaintances?  Sure does, but that’s not what I’m writing about.

This post is about what friendship means to me.  There are lots of sappy sickly sweet greeting cards (I am Keith’s gag reflex) that yammer on about friendship in obscenely lofty language.  This will not be that.  Friendship is too subtle for such heavy handed treatment.

I say that friendship is subtle because we sometimes find ourselves becoming friends with people without intending to.  We work with a person long enough or spend time in classes or playing sports with them, or we game with them online, and before we realize it, we feel comfortable around this person.  We let our guard down, begin to trust, and before we know it. BAM! New friend.

It’s not only trust that makes someone a friend.  For me to befriend someone, it also requires high levels of honesty, comfort, sharing, empathy, forgiveness, and common interests.  All of these ingredients in varying amounts seem to determine the value of someone’s friendship. The weight we give to each ingredient is, of course, different from person to person and completely subjective.

We are not all the same. Certainly all of us look for specific traits whether or not we are aware of it. Take honestly for instance. I’d wager that someone like Dick Cheney might value loyalty far more than honestly. So much that he can remain friends with someone who would lie to protect him. Not all of our friends have the same trains in all of the same combinations.

Where am I going with this? I’m stating my recent reevaluation of my what the word “friend” now means to me. In doing so, I pay no mind to the dictionary’s treatment of it.  I’m ignoring my inner cynicism and expanding my ideas about it’s meaning. Here we go…

HONESTY
Above all other things, honesty in all things is paramount to me.  I would rather hear the ugliest of truths than the most beautiful falsehood. When we lie to people (including ourselves) we disrespect and devalue them. Lying, even a white lie, is a degradation. My friends should always interact with me honestly and should expect the same in return.

TRUST
We all need to trust others on occasion, and I don’t believe you can have friends without trust. People who divulge personal information entrusted to them are not my friends or won’t be for long. I’ve heard gossips say in their defense that the person shouldn’t have told them the information if they didn’t want anyone else to know. I don’t accept such bullocks, and I don’t treat my friends with such contempt and disrespect. Your friends are not your information sources.

COMFORT
My comfort level when in the presence of another person is a strong influence on the level of friendship I’ll have with someone. If you’re a person who says or does things that make me feel uncomfortable, we probably will never achieve BFF status.  If you don’t know (but do care) if you make your friends uncomfortable, maybe you should ask them for an honest answer.

SHARING
I value sharing with friends, but I don’t mean “sharing” in the material sense. I don’t want for things from my friends. I desire a sharing of ideas, thoughts, opinions, and the like. Sharing time is certainly nice too. Friends of mine should feel free to speak their mind, agree, disagree, or remain indifferent, secure in the belief that sharing such things strengthens our friendship. Even if we disagree, we’ll at least gain insight of each other’s thought process.

EMPATHY/COMPASSION
Empathy and compassion are just manly ways to say “love” or “caring” about each other. Even someone as emotionally stunted reserved as me must admit to caring/loving empathizing with or having compassion for his friends at least a little bit. The truth is that it’s a lot, but I choose not to wear it on my sleeve. Friends should show that they care about each other. My way to do this often involves doing technical tasks for or giving help and my time (which is extremely valuable to me) to those I care for.  Tech support counts!  Along with my love/caring empathy and compassion goes understanding.  I do my best to understand and empathize with my friends. I hope they will reciprocate, but I know it’s not always easy.

FORGIVENESS
Without exception, every one of us makes mistakes. Friends will forgive you. There are limits to forgiveness, of course, but when you recognize that a friend is truly sorry, forgive them and move on.   Life is far too short for holding onto +10 grudges of destructive unhappiness.

SHARED INTERESTS
There seems to be a strong correlation between having shared interests and friendship. Frequently people meet through and bond over those interests they have in common. Such is the case with he friends I have online. Although I’ve never met some of them offline, they are real friends nonetheless.

As someone with very few close friends in the offline world, I can attest that it takes relatively little effort to make friends online.   However, once a friend is made, the effort is well invested in keeping and improving friendships with those you hold most dear, online or offline.  (I am Keith’s post-blog regret.)

Related posts:

1. Back On Facebook
2. Attention Seekers Anonymous
3. How I’ve Come To Loathe Facebook